1Baby High Heels
High heels cause all number of health problems affecting the spine, legs, and feet, but hey, they sure look cute, right? We may as well start to train infant girls to get ready to rock these painful and pointless fashion accessories because everyone knows style is far more important than comfort and health.
Yes, these baby heels are completely soft and won’t do any damage to the little ones wearing them, but let’s be real—that the type of mother who finds these “heelarious” (the actual name of the product) will be buying their girls real heels as early as possible.
2Baby-Kini
Some people debate whether or not a string bikini is appropriate for a pre-teen, let alone an infant. Regardless of where you stand on the issue, the Baby-Kini is disturbing in an entirely different way—most of their styles are designed to be worn without a diaper.
Their smallest size aims to fit babies aged from birth-6 months, which means a lot of pee and poo that isn’t going in a diaper, will go right into the swim suit. If someone brings a baby into a pool in one of these, they are exposing everyone the kid’s potty habits, and no matter where you stand on the child sexualization argument, everyone can agree that’s not ok.
3Lullaby Renditions of Metallica
Have you ever listened to “Enter Sandman” and thought, this is the perfect song to help soothe a baby to sleep? If so, you’ll want Rockabye Baby! Lullaby Renditions of Metallica. It is which is exactly what it sounds like—baby friendly versions of Metallica tunes designed to help infants sleep through the night while turning them into heavy metal warriors.
4Zaky Bonding Hand Pillow
Don’t have the time to touch your baby, but want your child to think you’re always there? Then you’ll want a Zaky Bonding Hand Pillow, which allows you to put weighted hand-shaped pillows under or on top of your child to create the illusion of closeness without actually having to maintain physical contact beyond feeding and changing times.
5Baby Mop
Babies are going to crawl all over the floor no matter what, so you might as well put them to work in a onsie that also functions as a mop. Amirite? On the downside, you can’t wet the mop or soak it in cleaning products, so ultimately it’s more of a baby broom, but hey -that’s better than nothing.
6Daddle
Sure, dads have probably been giving their kids horsie rides on all fours since man first domesticated horses, but without an appropriately embarrassing plush saddle, do the kids even enjoy themselves?
7Baby Toupees
There are those that claim “bald is beautiful,” but they’re usually just trying to comfort themselves or bald friends and family members. Fortunately, your baby doesn’t have to suffer from his or her embarrassing baldness any longer thanks to Baby Toupees. These fabulous fashions come in four different styles based on celebrities ranging from Bob Marley to Donald Trump, and they all look just as convincing as the president’s “hair.”
8Baby Bangs
Sometimes, the problem isn’t that a baby is bald so much as it is that the baby is a girl and it isn’t immediately obvious without cute little locks. That’s where Baby Bangs comes in, to help make sure your little girl looks appropriately feminine.
While Baby Toupees and heels are meant to be a joke, a quick look at the writing on the Baby Bangs website gives you the distinct feeling that the people selling these are dead serious, with quotes like: “At Baby Bangs! we believe in the beauty of childhood. Our unique designs are sprinkled with MAGIC! inspiring a world of whimsical wonder and mystical, magical, memorable moments for you and your baby girl to cherish Forever!”
9Tinkle Tube
Potty training is difficult, and little boys have to not only learn how to control their bladders but also how to aim their urine. The Tinkle Tube takes away the challenge by securing a tube to the end of the boy’s penis so his stream can flow right into the toilet. He’ll still have to learn how to aim some day, but why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?
10Babypod
Some women prefer to put speakers on their bellies to let their babies hear music, but Babypod thinks the discerning fetus just won’t be satisfied with that level of audio quality—that’s why they sell the world’s first speaker designed to inserted vaginally. The device is safe and FDA approved but putting a speaker inside your vagina is just plain weird.
11Laugh and Learn Case for iPhones
You know what babies need more of? Screen time on iPhones, apparently. Fortunately, Fisher Price is here for you with their Laugh and Learn Case for iPhones. Finally, your still-drooling baby can play with a smartphone without the risk of damage by dropping or drooling on it. It even has fun rings on the side so your child can improve their motor skills before settling into a vegetative zombie state like the rest of our phone-obsessed population.